18 September 2012

Confessions of A-Little-Jealous Mom

Julia is a daddy's girl.  For the past weeks, Julia says "daddy" like it is the only word she knows.

When Julia was born, she spent most of her time with me, especially when I was still on my maternity leave.  She loves it when I carry her or let her sleep on my chest.  I believe that a child's bond with her mom is natural, so I would always give Don his alone-time with Julia.  I do not want him to feel left out.  He is a hands-on dad so he did not have a difficult time bonding with our daughter.  However, Julia would always look for me and would rather stay with me.

Things started to change after she turned one.

Julia wants her dad to be by her side ALL the time, whether we are at home or out for our Sunday road trips.  She reaches for Don's hand whenever she needs help while walking.  She asks for Don to carry her whenever she is tired or wants to sleep.  She wants Don to feed her or sit beside her during meal time.  She prefers to sit on her dad's lap instead of sitting on a high chair.  The first thing she asks when she wakes up in the morning is "daddy?"  Almost always, she would cry every time I will try to get her from her dad.  I would often feel embarrassed because she would cry so loud and other people would start staring at us.  If you don't know us, you might think I am kidnapping her or hurting her. Seriously.

{Road Trip} La Mesa Eco Park
I'm jealous.  There, I said it.  I can't help but feel a little jealous about the fact that Julia would rather be with her dad.  I never talked to Don about this because I feel bad that I actually feel this way.  But, I think Don feels my sadness every time I helplessly hand over Julia to him and say, "It's okay."  I noticed that Don would encourage Julia to stay with me instead.  He was even trying to convince me that Julia calls me "daddy" too.  And she really does, sometimes.  Haha!  Don't get me wrong, I love seeing both of them together.  I laugh every time I hear Julia giggle when Don tickles her.  I feel fulfilled every time I see Don so happy with Julia.  I don't really know how to describe to you that feeling when my heart skips with happiness but at the same time it breaks with insecurity and sadness.  Am I crazy?!

Julia doesn't hate me.  She runs to me and gives me the best hug and kiss ever!  She still prefers that I put her to sleep at night.  She hugs me whenever she is scared.  She just prefers to be with Don most of the time.  Haha!

I look back at the seven years that we spent trying to have a baby and I realized how blessed I am right now.  I love staring at Don and Julia when they are together.  I am thankful that Don loves to hang out with Julia... spending time with her is his priority.  Whenever they are inseparable, I feel that tinge of jealousy.  But, it is immediately replaced with more love for both of them because I feel their love for me everyday.  I feel God's love everyday.

So I guess this is the best "tinge of jealousy" I have ever felt in my entire life!  How about you, have you ever felt jealous and insecure of your child's love and attention?
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